To commence with, it takes me a whole guts to write this post. I was thinking if I should share about my very personal story here which can be seen by the whole world. By then, I thought about the purpose why I am blogging. Why am I here in blogger? The answer is obvious.
Today on 09 June, it has been precisely two harsh months since he has gone. For the past month, I could barely survive. I could barely breathe. I could barely live a normal life. Things went wrong with me all the time and I felt so heart broken inside. I felt like my heart has been ripped out and I could not stop my tears from falling again and again. I could not sleep at night and I thought about him all the time. At night, I looked up to the ceiling where there were many sparkle stars that I stick up there so it shined at night. I looked at my phone to see if there was any sms or call from him. I sat beside my window and looked out to the sky, but I found no stars. I lied back to my pillow and tried to get him off my mind, yet I could not.
I had to admit that I miss all the memories we used to have because it was my first time to do everything very special with him. I miss the time we used to be so happy together and I wish time would just stood still when I were with him. I realize what I have been afraid of was losing someone I love with my all my soul.
I wanted so much to call and beg him to stay. I wanted so much to accept every mistake so that he would come back to me. I wanted so much to go to him and say that everything was my fault. I was about to do the same begging thing I used to do many times ago. I was about to press the call button when I asked myself, even if he come back, will things be the same? Will he still love me like he used to be? To my surprise, all the answers are NO. He does not care, he does not want to know, he does not want to get involve, and he does not want to do anything about it.
I hate it when he acted ignorance, I hate it when he acted like nothing happen, I hate it when he said I am crazy about love, I hate it when he said this is life, I hate it when he acted everything about me is not important, I hate it when he always left me behind, I hate it when he told others I am just his niece, I hate it when he said I do not understand about him, I hate it when he said we in different directions, I hate it when he said that those sweet words and feelings are useless, and I hate all the painful words and things he did to me. Why did he change so fast? Why did he become somebody else I do not even know? Why? It seems like I am living this adverb "why".
I have been begging him for so many times. Every time we argue, he never came back to me unless I made a first move. He never cuddle me, it is nothing. I always hope that after every quarrel, our relationship would get better, he would love me better but it only get worse. It is like there is no more me in his life. It is just about him and his life. There was never "we".
I have grown sick of Khmer love songs now. I shut my ears with my hands because it would remind me of him again, and I would cry again. Whenever my heart breaks down, I feel like every love song is written just for me. I go out there and pretend like nothing happen to me, I pretend like I am so okay, and I always fake a smile. I am tired...
The time he called me has gone to zero. The time we saw each other has gone lesser and lesser. From many times a day to many times a month, from many times a month to once a month, from once a month to once in a few months, and dropped to a single digit, 0.
Every year of my calendar, I always noted down our birthday because I wish it was on week days so that we could celebrate together. It did not turn out the way I hope. On 15 March, I have been waiting for him alone crazily.
This is my first love story. I think he knew that I only want to love one person for all my life and now that he broke my heart badly, I have totally lost faith in love. I have totally lost faith in men because I have given him all my trust and he turned it into dust. I have given him all the love, but I get no love in return. There is no more true love and prince charming. No more. I really have no idea how long I will feel better and get over him. Is it going to take me years or the rest of my life? I have drained all my strength. Please, I feel so horrible.
I used to think if one day he ask me back, what would I do? One part of me is dying to have him back into my life and hope that he would treat me better this time, but the other part of me refuse. The other part of me do not want to suffer all the same things he used to do again. The other part of me do not feel it again because right now, I am crying like hell in order to control myself to write this silently. How can I explain the sorrow in my pain better than this?
To You: Since there was no more me in your life, why would I still care? Since you have crossed out my name in you, would you give me for just one reason from your soul? Since you have walked away, would you tell me why? Since you have changed, why would you not hold my hand and walk to our future together no matter what happen? Since you have turned your back, do you still remember the promise you made that you won't leave me? Since you have been gone, would you tell me for so many years we were together, was it a lie?
(story from Medelin)
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